After a long day of jumping Billy Figle discovered that his eye had grown a subway sandwich “ahhhhh” he screamed. He ran home like he was in the Olympics, because he didn’t want anybody to notice that there was a sandwich sticking out of his eye. “Mom” he screamed as he ran into the house “there’s a subway sandwich growing on my eye” he whined “omy” she said worriedly “honey call the ambulance” she screamed into the kitchen. My dad must be in there I guessed. The ambulance was there at our door right away, they almost knocked down the door. In 2 seconds I was in a stretcher heading out the door “mom” I whined I didn’t want to go to the hospital and get my eye taken out.
“It’s okay” the doctor whispered in my ear. I was so scared. For some reason it was really damp on my forehead, sweat I guessed in my head. I tried to speak but I didn’t know what to say I was so scared I didn’t want them to do anything scary to me. Why did this happen to me? I asked myself trying to shake of my worries. It must have been that sandwich I ate. I knew that green stuff was mold. I was so mad at myself that I forgot about the sandwich in my eye for a little bit.
“Billy, Billy you can wake up it’s alright it’s all over” my dad whispered in my ear. “few its all over and I still have both my eyes and no sandwich” I said to my parents laughing.
Rubber Duckie 22****
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I liked how you described when Billy was on the stretcher and we was all freaked out. (“It’s okay” the doctor whispered in my ear. I was so scared, it was real damp on my forehead sweat I guessed in my head. I tried to speak but I didn’t know what to say I was so scared I didn’t want them to do anything scary to me)
ReplyDeleteOne thing you could of worked on was your sentences. Some of them were a bit long.
I liked the idea to make it into a dream and it was a funny topic (subway sandwitch on your eye) but I think some of the sentences were run on and didn't make sense....
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ReplyDeleteI really like it but it could have been a little longer.
ReplyDeleteIn 2 seconds I was in a stretcher heading out the door “mom” I whined I didn’t want to go to the hospital and get my eye taken out.
ReplyDelete“It’s okay” the doctor whispered in my ear. I was so scared, it was real damp on my forehead sweat I guessed in my head.
Brilliant you think in your mind in the story thats awesome, loved the whole thing puncuation capitals nicely done.